Learning to Parent

It is so hard to believe these little guys have been with us for 105 days.  When they first arrived I wasn’t sure what to expect, and honestly I didn’t think they’d be with us for much of any time.  I felt it was an unfortunate misunderstanding that landed them in care and I really felt like they wouldn’t be with us very long.  Granted three months is not a long time in the grand scheme of things, but to them I am sure it feels like an eternity being away from family. 

Jay and I are raising three kids that are in their teens.  We have been parenting for approximately 6,774 days – give or take a few leap years in there.  I never remember any of our kiddos testing boundaries to the extent these little ones do, being as blatantly defiant, or so negatively persistent as these little ones.  I do not believe any amount of pre-service training can truly prepare one for the different behaviors children possess and the different temperaments.  It is truly hands-on training. 

As I have mentioned before, parenting someone else’s children is more different than parenting ones biological children.  We were never restricted on the methods we chose to parent or discipline our kiddos, and parenting children who are in care come with restrictions.  I thought I was well prepared to parent these children to find out I am very ill-prepared.  I read books upon books during each pregnancy and more at different stages of our kids’ development, but those books were applicable to our kids and the knowledge I gained from them has been ineffective with these little ones. 

I am back at reading books upon books!  Before getting licensed as a foster home and during training, I read as many books as possible on fostering.  I continue to read about the foster care system through books and Fostering Families magazine.  My latest book to keep me focused on foster care is Advocating for Children in Foster and Kinship Care, by Mitchell Rosenwald & Beth N. Riley.  Alongside that, I find myself skimming and reading particular sections from Raising a Spirited Child and Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child. 

Jay and I have always known each of our children is different from the other.  Different personalities. Different learning styles. Different characteristics. Different temperaments.  Different mannerisms.  We would have never imagined that the ways we parented each of them wouldn’t have been of use to help us parent our foster sons.  What we have learned with these two little guys, is how different they are too.  All the tools and methods that were useful with our children are of no use with these two little guys. 

While trying to educate myself more on the different temperaments of children and what discipline works and how to communicate with which type of child, I have learned of our biological children we have a compliant child, a fence-sitter that leans toward compliancy, and a fence-sitter that leans toward strong-willed, but none of them are 100% strong-willed.  Now, our two foster sons – one is a fence-sitter leaning towards strong-willed while the other is 200% STRONG-WILLED.  

But you know what . . . we will learn as we go and love them just the same!!